Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
