Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
