the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
