if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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