I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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