I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
