Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have fence marks all over my body
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
