saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
