I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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