I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
