see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
