Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
