I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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