If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
