i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
