Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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