I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
