Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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