We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
