why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
