I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
