If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
