he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
