I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
