I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
