i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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