I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
