why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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