Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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