I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
