Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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