Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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