whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
