She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
