well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
