I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
