I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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