Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Randomize
