if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
