capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
