My room smells like vodka and shame
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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