My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
