He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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