Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
