I cockslap morals
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
