I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
