Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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