It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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