I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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