I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
