Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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